Step 6 Is The Tough One!
Step 6 Were
entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
I remember the relief I
felt when I completed Step 5. Little did I realize how difficult Step 6
would be! I did read it and thought that should be enough. Oh, I may have
even said a brief prayer saying something like, Ok, God, please take away
my defects. Then life sort of went down hill.
I was going to as many
meetings as I had; I didn't want to drink or use exactly I just kept
getting more and more miserable.
Why, I wailed to my
sponsor. Shouldn't I be feeling better, not worse?
Really work Step 6
Several times he
suggested I work on Step 6; I was sure I'd done it, but I was going
downhill fast. Finally, not knowing what else to do, I took a copy of the
Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the beach and spent some serious
time with the Step.
I wasn't ready to let go
What I discovered that
day is that I was far from entirely ready to let go of any of my my
problems, let alone all of them. I was delighted not to be drinking and
thought that should be the end of it. Life, I felt, owed me feeling better
I thought I was different
I dug a little deeper and
realized that I didn't believe God would help me. I was totally
comfortable with God helping everyone else, but not me! Talk about poor
self-worth and that horrid inverted pride that makes some of us sure we
are worse than anyone else!
I had to get willing, really willing
At some level I
recognized I had to get willing and I walked the beach praying for enough
willingness to let go of lust, which was what I was focused on at the
moment. The whole idea of letting go of lust scared me to death. I was
sure that if God removed lust from me I at least knew I couldn't do it
myself I'd become asexual and a dried up old prune.
Ok, admittedly my
attitude toward myself and the world was way way out of balance, but there
you have it.
As I recall I sort of
staggered home, lost in confusion and self-pity and finally decided that
I'd rather be a dried up old prune than drunk and, with something close to
terror asked God to remove my lust.
The room didnt light
up as I remember it, the kids came crashing in demanding dinner. I
didn't know it then, but I had turned a corner on willingness. I didn't
loose all sexual desire. In fact, at first nothing much changed. But
gradually a shift really did begin there.
Hindsight has shown me
that my character defects (we'll look closely at that rather archaic term
next week) had been so much a part of me for so long that I couldn't
imagine myself without them. I didn't know who I was, or even if I was,
under all those layers of self-deception. Those defects or tendencies or
habits become so much a part of us we think they are us, and letting go,
as Step 6 demands, is a real venture into trust.
I sometimes still struggle with
faith and accepting myself and letting go from time-to-time. It has,
however, gotten not only easier over the years, but more natural not
exactly automatic but not a last ditch effort either. The Program has
allowed me to get to know the real me a trip worth taking.
Love, peace and